long story short

 So yesterday was the first anniversary of my dad's death and I feel dead myself. It's already 14th but 13th Feb feels eternal. Everyone moved on and I'm still living that day last year, unmoved and unchanged. I am still in that room, hearing the sound of my mother's voice crying. I am still there, all the same and still very different from that day.

  And it's hard to be at a party When I feel like an open wound I feel like a badly cut wire, like a very sharp knife people are careful around me  trying not to get hurt I feel like an open wound eternally bleeding unable to stop or heal I wonder where does the blood keep coming from it doesn't stop it keeps coming and coming in the form of salty tears streaming down my face I'm a wire and I will electrify everyone who comes closer so I run away to not hurt others and in the end only end up hurting me.

I was walking down the street, and I thought I was you but I didn't though. Still, my heart skipped a beat and I wanted to go after (you) him, to check if it was you but I knew he wasn't. I'm scared because I keeping asking the universe for signs but I'm scared I am the one make it all in my mind, in the name of fate or the universe and in the end being hurt again all because I thought you were the one for me, but now I don't really know. If the universe does give signs, can I get something very clear? Something hard to miss, or get wrong.

 Dear diary, Lately everything has been too much and nothing at all, do you know what i mean? I feel a little directionless, senseless, anythingless... I don't know where to go, what to do, i'm stuck in a place i don't like but i don't know what to do to move forward. I can't stop feeling bad and crying a lot, i don't even know why. Everything was going well then the christmas holidays came and the end of the year + being my first xmas without my dad made everything feel like failure even when i was sort of blooming. I just feel like life chew me whole and then spat me out on te floor, wet, fragile and a bit broken. I just want to have a cool job and not feel broke after paying rent.