long story short

 i thought that you leaving me was a death sentence on the contrary i survived

 maybe this is the beginning of great things and i'm so scared but i must keep with this

Grief is a dangerous thing, it appears out of nowhere when you least expect it and you never know when it'll leave.

how can i stop feeling left behind when my friends have other friends? it's so stupid because i know i'm not being changed i'm just insecure i guess those are just champagne problems

 Forgive your mistakes, making mistakes means changing and changing is good.

 Grieving is a funny process, you can be on the road to overcoming it when something small and insignificant triggers the pain. and you can't do anything but lay there and let all the waves wash you away. The waves suddenly go 50 meters tall again and you can barely catch your breath, you think you're gonna drown, you know you won't but the waves are so powerful you think you may not make it. But you do, soaked and shaking and feeling like next time you will not be so lucky but you will, you always do.

 I miss you a lot, dad. These days always remind me of you, It's getting a bit easier thinking about you and looking up things related to you but it still hurts and no amount of freedom gets you clean, I still got you all over me

 Life's been picking up, even if it has stayed the same. I lived and learned, and above all I matured. Things are gonna be fine, everything will be okay even when it doesn't feel like it will, I'm on holy ground.

 i feel stuck, nostalgic and alone. the beginning of the autumn brought all those forgotten memories about things that are here no more people and things that i miss but i won't get back anymore. and even in the middle of the ending of the world as we know it, i was content because things were not unraveling for worse till they did. but even after everything, i am making new memories and trying to find the joy in life again.

 I miss you. I wish you would come back.

If you love someone, set them free and if they come back they're yours. I let this love go and it seems like it's coming back, is it? I can't feel it close enough. I want to feel you completely. Come back to me.

 So yesterday was the first anniversary of my dad's death and I feel dead myself. It's already 14th but 13th Feb feels eternal. Everyone moved on and I'm still living that day last year, unmoved and unchanged. I am still in that room, hearing the sound of my mother's voice crying. I am still there, all the same and still very different from that day.

  And it's hard to be at a party When I feel like an open wound I feel like a badly cut wire, like a very sharp knife people are careful around me  trying not to get hurt I feel like an open wound eternally bleeding unable to stop or heal I wonder where does the blood keep coming from it doesn't stop it keeps coming and coming in the form of salty tears streaming down my face I'm a wire and I will electrify everyone who comes closer so I run away to not hurt others and in the end only end up hurting me.

I was walking down the street, and I thought I was you but I didn't though. Still, my heart skipped a beat and I wanted to go after (you) him, to check if it was you but I knew he wasn't. I'm scared because I keeping asking the universe for signs but I'm scared I am the one make it all in my mind, in the name of fate or the universe and in the end being hurt again all because I thought you were the one for me, but now I don't really know. If the universe does give signs, can I get something very clear? Something hard to miss, or get wrong.

 Dear diary, Lately everything has been too much and nothing at all, do you know what i mean? I feel a little directionless, senseless, anythingless... I don't know where to go, what to do, i'm stuck in a place i don't like but i don't know what to do to move forward. I can't stop feeling bad and crying a lot, i don't even know why. Everything was going well then the christmas holidays came and the end of the year + being my first xmas without my dad made everything feel like failure even when i was sort of blooming. I just feel like life chew me whole and then spat me out on te floor, wet, fragile and a bit broken. I just want to have a cool job and not feel broke after paying rent.